Conversations
by falsechaos
Summary: [shounen-ai] [gene/jim] Jim makes a confession that, frankly, Gene doesn't handle all that well.
1. Question and Answer

Title: Conversations ch 1: "Question and Answer"  
Name: falsechaos  
Email: falsechaos@mail.com  
Rating/Warning: PG-13 for language and angsty mechanics.  
Notes: Formerly posted under the alias "Ayame Daae." That's right. I stole my own fic. FF.n account was eaten when Excite decided to 'experiment.' Account lay dormant for a year or so. Can't wake it up. Boo hoo. So here's a new one.  
Disclaimer: Don't own. I just play with 'em  
  
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Ah, Jim....  
  
Why did you have to go and say it?  
  
Why did you have to say you loved me?  
  
You stood there. Just stood there and blurted it out. I ruffled your hair and said, "Sure Jim. Love you too." And turned right back to the computer game. I can remember that startled look on your face. Like you'd gotten what you wanted, but it went sour.  
  
Why did you have to look at me with those wide blue eyes of yours? Like I betrayed you somehow. Like you'd betrayed yourself. I stopped and stared at you. Guess it finally registered. You didn't mean love like a brother or friend. You meant it.... like....  
  
That's what scared me. You meant it.  
  
I can't love you back. Not like you want me to. Not like you need me to.  
  
I'm sorry Jim. I just....can't.  
  
I want to.  
  
Damn it Jim!  
  
Why can't it just be enough? Why can't we just love each other as brothers and friends?  
  
Why did you do this to me?  
  
I didn't mean to turn away like that. I didn't mean to pretend I didn't understand. But what was I supposed to do? Push you away? I could never do that to you, Jim. Never. Or hold you and.... But I can't even say it.  
  
And now we're on the bridge. You think I didn't understand. You think it went right over my head, once again. Thick headed Gene Starwind. It didn't. Why do you think I've been so quiet lately?  
  
"Gene, there's something I have to tell you..."  
  
I don't really know what to say. I know what's coming. "What's that, little buddy?"  
  
The glare is priceless. Really, Jim, it is. "Don't call me little."  
  
"Chum?"  
  
"Or chum."  
  
Again I ruffle your hair. Anything to stop what you're going to say. "But some of the ladies like 'em small. Or chummy."  
  
"Leach."  
  
"Leach, ladies's man, whatever."  
  
"Stop it!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Gene this is important!"  
  
The anger and fear in your voice.... Why are you doing this Jim? Why do you have to repeat those words? We can just let it go, Jim. We don't have to go anywhere with it. Just let it go.... My mouth betrays me. Again. "What?"  
  
Wide blue eyes. You should have those licensed as a deadly weapon. No one should be that....Cute? Adorable? Do those words even apply any more? You're too tall, too lanky to be called cute or adorable any more. You come to my shoulders if you stand on your tiptoes. As opposed to coming only to my waist four years ago. You're fifteen now. Beautiful...? I guess that would work in describing your eyes.  
  
I asked again, pressing the matter when fear might have kept you silent. "Jim? What is it?"  
  
"I...." Two small roses of blush cloud the clear skin of your cheeks. Your turning away again, Jim. Those eyes stare into mine again. Beautiful, blue, blue eyes. "I love you." I guess the words open a floodgate somewhere. "Not like a buddy! Not like a friend, or pal, or brother, or, or.... Whatever!"  
  
I'm opening my mouth here Jim, I want to say something here, but you won't shut up.  
  
"I've always hated the way you looked at Melfina or all those other girls! You're impulsive and hotheaded and reckless, but I don't care! I just need you. I need you like Mel did for a while, she needed you to find herself, to be whole. Please don't hate me, but I have to say this! I--"  
  
"Just shut up!" I have to scream the words.  
  
Oh that look. That look of pain and hurt and sorrow and even a little bit of hate. That look could start wars or world peace, Jim. I don't know what to say, now that I've got your attention. Guess I'll just open and close my mouth. Like a damned fish. "Just shut up."  
  
"Why?" All the pain and hurt and sorrow and even that little bit of hate are all screwed up into that one little word. So are a thousand questions. Why can't you love me? Why aren't I worthy? Why can't my love at least be appreciated? Why are you hurting me? Why, why, why?  
  
I have to lean close here, Jim. Now don't back away, you little baka! There. Pinned. My body pressed against yours. My face close to yours. "Just shut up so I can kiss you, okay?"  
  
A new look. Hopeful and uncertain and something else I'm not quite ready to see right now. Much better than the first look. Much better.  
  
I'm not ready yet, Jim.  
  
I can't say those words.  
  
Not yet. But I want to. Just help me along 'til then, 'kay? You've put up with me this long, a few more years won't hurt. Until then, until I can say what you want and need to hear, I guess this will just have to be enough.  
  
For the both of us.  
  
The feeling of your lips against mine.  
  
I don't know where I'm going Jim. But if you're with me, I guess it really doesn't matter. 


	2. Answer my Question

Title: Conversations ch 2: "Answer my Question"  
Name: falsechaos  
Email: falsechaos@mail.com  
Rating/Warning: PG-13 for language and angsty mechanics.  
Notes: Formerly posted under the alias "Ayame Daae." That's right. I stole my own fic. FF.n account was eaten when Excite decided to 'experiment.' Account lay dormant for a year or so. Can't wake it up. Boo hoo. So here's a new one.  
Disclaimer: Don't own. I just play with 'em.  
  
"Sure Jim. Love you too."  
  
That hurt, Aniki. It really hurt. I was so scared. Why did it have to be you of all people? Why did you have to be the one that I fell in love with? It wasn't the graceful sprawl of your body as you leaned against the couch, playing that stupid game. Well, that was part of it, to be honest.  
  
You're our compass, Gene.  
  
Suzuka, Aisha, Melfina, even me I guess, could all do fine on our own. It would be hard, but you could survive too. But you're the one that brought us all together and guided us to the Leyline just as surely as Mel did. You provide that direction that we all need. Melfina's quest to be human. Aisha's quest for glory. Suzuka.... well, who knows with her? But even she found something with us.  
  
So why can't I?  
  
You just sat there damn it! You just gave me another flippant answer and went back to your own little reality in your head. Can't you see me? I'm not a child any more! I never was with you.... So why are you hiding from me now?  
  
I said I loved you, Gene Starwind. And you just brushed me aside. Like you're doing now.  
  
"Gene, there's something I have to tell you..." I don't want to do this! But I have to, I have to know!  
  
"What's that, little buddy?"  
  
I glare at you while you smile, oblivious to reality. Oblivious to me. "Don't call me little!"  
  
"Chum?"  
  
"Or chum."  
  
You're ruffling my hair. I hate that. Why are you doing this? Why won't you let me get it out?  
  
"But some of the ladies like 'em small. Or chummy."  
  
"Leach."  
  
"Leach, lady's man, whatever."  
  
"Stop it!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Gene this is important!"  
  
"What?" The way you're looking at me now.... Those brown eyes. I could drown in them. Burning with anger or hatred or vengeance or that smoldering look you give Melfina at times. I'm so scared. Maybe I can just forget, just go away.... But no. That look in your eyes. You won't let this go this time. I'm scared, Gene.  
  
"Jim? What is it?"  
  
I'm breaking! "I.... I love you. Not like a buddy! Not like a friend, or pal, or brother, or, or.... Whatever! I've always hated the way you looked at Melfina or all those other girls! You're impulsive and hotheaded and reckless, but I don't care!" I can see your mouth flopping open and shut, but I can't stop. Not now, not when all of this is rushing out, not when I feel this release... "I just need you. I need you like Mel did for a while, she needed you to find herself, to be whole. Please don't hate me, but I have to say this! I--"  
  
Your next words tear into me like a scythe.  
  
"Just shut up!" you scream.  
  
Just shut up. Just shut up. Why? Why now? Why when I've finally found the courage to tell you? Why? Aren't I worth it? Can't you at least love me back? Maybe not like I want you to, but can't you at least smile and say it's all right, we'll be okay? Can't you at least utter that scared word *we*? Can't you.... Can't you just *see* me? See *me*?  
  
"Why?"  
  
That's all I can say. Just a fucking "Why?" I hate you! I hate you.... And it hurts. I hate you because I love you, Aniki.  
  
"Just shut up so I can kiss you, okay?"  
  
What? I can't think as you press against me, press against me towards the arching screens in the bridge. Can't think as your warm lips press against mine. Can't think as I wrap trembling arms around you. Can't think as you enfold me in your own. This wasn't the answer I was looking for. I don't care. This is enough.  
  
The feeling of your lips against mine.  
  
You're all I need. I love you, Aniki. And I'll wait as long as I have to for you to love me back. 


End file.
